How to do small talk

Small talk is a funny old thing. If you want to make new friends, get to know your workmates or plonk yourself in any new social or professional situation, a bit of light chitchat is basically unavoidable.

But while some people appear to find it fairly easy or even enjoyable, for others it’s a prospect almost as painful as booking a root canal. Does it have to be that way?

“There is a mistaken belief that good conversation, good social skills are a gift, but it is not a gift – it is a skill that can be learnt,” says psychotherapist and life coach Jacquie Wise, who runs private practice Wise Ways.

Wise, who herself has experienced debilitating shyness, says there are several reasons why small talk terrifies some people. One common reason is that a person has grown up in a household where there’s very little conversation.

Others may have been bullied or lost confidence for other reasons, lacking any encouragement along the way to believe in themselves. And that can lead to some potentially awkward situations.

“You tend to freeze when you’re in public and the mind goes blank. If you want to talk about a book you’ve read, or a film you’ve seen, you can’t remember a thing,” says Wise.

Some people believe that talking about topics such as the weather is just a waste of time, and would rather jump right in and get to know a person more quickly.

“But in actual fact no person of any depth will connect with you without wanting to get to know you first,” says Wise. Small talk is an essential screening process – how do we know we have the same values, the same things in common, the same interests?”

If small talk is not your forte, how can you improve your skills, so that walking into that party or first date becomes a little less daunting?

Begin by going armed with a small introduction of yourself, says Wise.

“Perhaps if you’re at a friend’s house, you start by describing how you know your friend, how your met your friend as you grew up together in school, that type of thing.

“If you’re in a pub or somewhere, you can talk about the environment – what do you like about what you see around you?”

If it’s a party or event, consider the type of crowd you’re likely to be mixing with.

“If you meet and mingle only with people who are football lovers, then you’ll be preparing little conversations to do with sport,” says Wise. “If you’re mixing with people who are very political and literary and go to the theatre and they love the arts or something like that, you will be preparing some arts topics.”

Keeping up to date with the news, or the latest books, movies or Donald Trump comment can be other easy ways to start a conversation.

Topics to avoid may include more personal questions such as asking someone’s relationship status.

Once the conversation gets rolling, it’s important to share airtime, so it’s more a lighthearted chat than an interrogation.

“The key with conversation, and even small talk, is to keep it like a tennis match, a ball bouncing equally between the participants,” says Wise.

“If the person isn’t giving you anything, then you have to assume they’re shy, first of all, and help them feel a bit more comfortable in your presence by giving a little bit about yourself.”

Creating a little bit of breathing space, or talking about generalities, is better than bombarding a person – particularly a shy one – with too many questions in a row, says Wise.

Last, but not least, remember that small talk is often just that, especially at a party. After 10 to 15 minutes you might want to start mingling and sharing your new skills around.

Wise says that while small talk may just the first stage of friendship or other relationships, it is a vital one. She notes without this first step, life can be a very lonely experience.

“You miss out on developing friendships, you miss out on even developing professional connections that might be useful. Because without talking, how can we connect?”