What to consider before you move in with your partner

For Sarah Harradence, 27, a house is ready for a clean when it’s getting “a bit gross and disgusting”. Her boyfriend Michael Marcatili, 31, agrees.          

“By the time I’m like ‘the garbage needs to go out’, Sarah will be thinking similar thoughts,” he says, laughing.    

As it turns out, it’s a good thing they have a similar threshold for mess: they’ve decided to move in together, and according to psychologists, an inability to agree on when and what to clean has spelled “the end” for many a happy couple.    

“I think both of us are pretty open and respectful, so we’d easily be able to say, ‘hey, I did the dishes lots, you’re going to do dishes now’,” Harradence says.     

After spending time together on holidays – and generally seeing each other all the time without the official tenancy agreement – the couple say they’ve got to know each other’s habits well, and they’re just fine with what they’ve witnessed.

“We’re both very appreciative and we say ‘thank you’ a lot. I think that goes a long way,” Harradence says.

But whereas Harradence and Marcatili may not be too fussed about the cleaning issue, Karoline Matiasik, 25, hates it when her boyfriend of four years, Brenton Cooke, 27, “eases out of chores” – especially after dinner.

“We don’t live together, but when we cook together we cook at one person’s house, and I’ll do most of the cleaning,” she says.

“He’ll help a little with drying the dishes, but he doesn’t want to learn how to wash dishes. I told him we definitely have to work on that – I’m very strict on cleaning”.

For Cooke, there is nothing more irritating about his girlfriend than her propensity towards cleanliness.

“She’s obsessed with cleaning. Like, has a problem,” he laughs. 

“In my opinion, you should clean after you cook, but a full on scrub down every week, couple of weeks is OK.”

Although the allocation of chores may seem like a minor issue, for the “first timers” – those who are moving in together as a couple for the first time – it should be the first point of discussion.

“There is one common denominator to the couples I counsel, and that is chores,” says Darryl Hodgson, psychologist at Psychology Melbourne.

“One couple that I work with doesn’t have a notion of what the chores may be, when and if they should be done, which leads to problems with not pulling your own weight.” 

Hygiene and money come a close second. Despite our culture’s deep-seated romanticism, it’s not hugs and kisses that grease the wheels of domestic bliss: it’s cold, hard logic and who is going to pay for what.

“Before you go into that lovely flat together, you have to be confident that the person you’re with can handle a number of things, such as understanding pay rates, vacuuming, getting a phone account and just the simple logistics of living by yourselves,” Hodgson says.

For Harradence, money is important, but not the first thing that comes to mind. Marcatili has recently quit his job as a store manager to pursue a dream of owning a cafe, something he felt was important to do before they moved in together.

Although as a nurse Harradence earns less than Marcatili , she wants him to be happy – despite the costs.

“[When he was thinking about quitting] I said to Michael: ‘you’re a lifter, I can support you’,” she says, giving Marcatili a kiss.

So what is their biggest worry, if not the big three warning signs cited by psychologists?

“That we’ll end up arguing more,” says Marcatili.

“That’s going to be a little bit tricky, but I’m sure we’ll work through it – communication is key, that’s what they say,” Harradence continues.

“We’ll just have a safe space, like a ‘you can’t yell at me over here’ seat.”

But money, or lack-thereof, often plays on the minds of Matiasik and Cooke . Both want a modern house filled with wood and a cottage-like exterior. Cooke also wants a “man cave”, something Matiasik says they will “discuss later”.

“What makes me most nervous is money. It is so impossible to move out these days,” she says.

“We’ve gone to auctions and house inspections, and even the worst houses go for so much more than the agents are telling us.”   

When asked what he’s most nervous about when it comes to moving in with Matiasik, Cooke agrees that money is an issue.

“We’ve been looking for a place for the past six months – I think we’ve been ready for a while,” he says.

“It’s more about the money, being financially stable.”    

Rent is out of the question: as the saying goes, rent money is “dead money”, so the couple have decided that saving a hefty deposit to enter an increasingly inaccessible housing market is their best bet. 

Until that happens – “and God knows when that will be” –  they are stuck in limbo, seeing each other between two shift-work jobs and dreaming of a life together.

“We work different hours so there are two or three days where we don’t see each other because we just don’t have time. But when we do see each other, it just makes it more memorable, more special,” Matiasik says.

Despite these couples being more clued-up than most – after all, at least they’ve had some of those awkward but necessary talks – the reality of moving in together cannot be experienced until the deed is actually done.

That is when those deep-seated and personal habits you thought were your own become shared, for better or for worse.

Stan Levine from the Relationship Rescue Institute says that the romantic phase couples experience at the beginning is “just a fantasy”, and not meant to last.

“One day, you’ll find out that the little things your partner does that you ignored, downplayed or thought were cute suddenly become annoying and downright frustrating,” he says.

However, he is quick to emphasise that this is normal, and just a part of growing up together.  

Natalie Lankosz, 24, has been with her boyfriend Aaron Polidano, also 24, for six years. That’s usually enough time to know someone very well.

However, after moving in together six months ago, she’s discovered his love of sleeping in – the entire day.

“He sleeps so much I actually have to wake him up and say ‘you’re wasting the whole day’,” she says, rolling her eyes. 

Polidano has also realised that Lankosz tends to be a “bit bossy in the kitchen” and is a little messier than he originally thought.

“You can say I’m the better cleaner in the group,” he laughs.

“On my days off, I just spend the whole day cleaning”.

What really stands out, however, is that despite everything that life has thrown – or is yet to throw – at all three young couples, the underlying love and willingness to make it work is clear.

“We’ve been together for six years, and we’ve tested the waters by going on holidays and staying at each other’s places. And that felt good. It’s always felt right to move in,” says Polidano.

For Harradence, the excitement of moving in with Marcatili is palpable.

“Although there will undoubtedly be little troubles, it’s always the ways you work through them that shows your commitment and strengthens relationships.

“I haven’t disliked anything I found out so far about Michael, and I don’t think I could know him any better.”